Terrible Tues(day)…

Today, I am confused…

Everything started out well enough… I woke up (which is always a good way to start things out), made to work on time… but everything else seems to have slid slowly downhill from there. I was in bed shortly after eleven last night (which is actually about normal for me), so I got my usual amount of sleep…

My situation has boiled down to this: I am mentally lethargic, and in a general *blah* mood, and have been for most of the morning since coming to work. Here in the last little bit (within the last half-hour or so) part of my mental state has gone completely south – spelunking to dark caverns and places that I haven’t really visited in months. After a brief glance at my watch, I notice the date, and am not really all that surprised by some of the travels my mind has taken, but it is surprising to me how dark some of the journeys have been…

And my motivation is in question, now, as well… There are projects and interests that I have had for years that I’m not sweating now – even having the time to devote to them, I just can’t motivate myself to go to them (writing, working at learning bass & drums, exploring some photography options, cycling…) Hell, I’ve barely been able to motivate myself to clean the house (mostly to make it presentable for people to visit, but not out of my own concerns about being in the space…)

As for the sleep thing… I’m struggling a bit this morning. As I really try to think about it, I’ve cut out most of the (caffinated) sodas, sticking mostly with teas or water (but as I focus, I guess I am a bit on the dehydrated side, which doesn’t help fight the funk), and the occasional non-caf drinks (Sprite or root beer).

Part of the dark thoughts revolver around the last couple of months – reflecting a lot over choices that have been made. While I am comfortable with the more monumental decisions (to start seeing people/going out again, specifically), there are moments when I can’t help but second (and third, and fourth, and fifth, and…) guess myself on the whos and whys, dancing on that razor’s edge of avoiding getting too attached too quickly while still trying to express interest… A delicate dance that can play hell with the psyche, I’m finding out…

The only constant uplifter for my, lately, has been just listening to music – but even that can get dangerous (and I haven’t really even pursued it like I previously had…)

Part depression, part dehydration, part self-dejection… This is the kind of stuff that should be making up a Monday, but it’s kinda fitting (in an ironic twist) that it’s all hitting on a Tuesday… Terrible, isn’t it…?

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