OK, so it has now been almost two months since my wife has passed… and damn close to a month and a half since my last words here… so the question that can be asked is, “Where the heck have I been?”
The answer is quite simple, and while easily understandable, truly means a few different things: I’ve been out. Yes, that’s right, out. Here’s the breakdown…
1) As far as this writing is concerned, I’ve been mentally “checked out”… I’ve been thinking a lot about writing, and wanting to pick up the pen (or, peck the keys to be more accurate), and short of sending emails, or online chats (Hello, Elizabeth 😉 with some friends while I’m at work (ah, beauty of a state job, when it’s quiet), I really haven’t been doing a hell of a lot of writing.
2) I’ve been “out” grieving, but not in the traditional sense. I spent the first two weeks numb, and floating between “wallowing in self-pity” and just about any other emotion and thought pattern that could be had… and then I came back to work. Since coming back (read: since the last post) my grieving has changed from sorrow at the loss to reflections and the mellow emotions of having lost my best friend.
Now, here’s the catch – I have yet to actually “purge” anything… and I don’t know when I’ll really feel like doing it, or what will happen when I DO get to that point… I figure I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. From a psychology standpoint, I’ve done what could be seen as a dangerous thing… I’ve done a distance association (“She’s just away on a trip…”). I say it’s dangerous because, physically (with the stuff) I have not gotten to a full closure, but emotionally and spiritually, I have full confidence that I am indeed correct… consider it a step of faith.
3) I’ve been “out” – socially. Now, let me clarify – I’ve been eating dinner out, a lot (too much, but that’s another topic). I’ve been visiting friends, and starting the process of trying to make some new ones (and yes, by that, I do mean female friends as well)… I’ve been going to movies, and just plain been out of the house.
A lot of my thrashing about (and subsequent inner peace) has been courtesy of Jenn. One of the initial things that attracted me to her was the “Shut up and do it” mentality that she could have. She would have hated for me to linger long in self-pity that it made more sense for me to keep living, for her, than wallow with her gone. Physically, she may be gone, but there are always going to be some of the inside jokes that we had and memories that will come flooding back through pictures and videos that she will never be too far away.
So, with all of that out now, I may not be back into the writing routine fully until next week (it is, after all a Thursday)… but hopefully I should be getting back into some form of gear…